Hi sentient beings. I am replying to this post as I am Vasu who bro dan has been talking about. This is my story, I met Dan 9 years ago and we have both been a power of strength for each other theoughout the years, gone through thick and thin, cried laugh and have helped each other unravel alot of issues. My issues in the past have been alot of family issues were my mother left me at the age of 3 months old and Dan's have been his whole past drug situation. When I met Dan 9 years ago I really felt that the energy was answering my calls of help. I have very much lived a lonley life in my early age with my father bringing me up with my wicked step mother who blamed me for everything. my dear dad had always been caught up in the middle of his daughter and his second wife, so it was a difficlut time for him aswell. I made a very adult choice at the age of 16yrs and decided to live with my uncle and aunt, this was to help my dad with his pain of always battling between his daughter and his 2nd wife. but also in my heart I knew I had to get away from the situation as I had attempted to overdose on parcetomol. however, as young girl at the time I always had light at the end of the tunnel and got through it all on my own worked hard at school and saved up money by working in the supermarket at night to be able to go to univeristy. when I passed my exams to go to uni it was a big thing for me, as I had never had any recognition in my life, my step mum used to tell my faher all sorts of lies about me, so he was confused but was just out to protect me. So the story goes, I met Dan and I was very insecure, at the time and up until 2 years ago I always put Dan on peddalstool because I used to think he was too good for me, better looking than me and I was lucky to have met such a good catch. we then went travelling after university to Thailand were I alomst died of a tumor growing in my neck, this was the cause of a monkey bitting me, and me having an alergic reaction to the horse tranquliser the Thai doctors had given me. But that is when I started to look inwards and deal with self love. I looked like such a sate, I couldn't recognise myself in the mirror. To this day I call this monkey bite the 'Kiss of life'. At this point I also got into reiki and initiated in levels 1 & 2.
up until 2 years ago I never really appreciated how physically beautiful I was and then internally aswell, Dan had been great and I had helped him through his drugs, mind chemical balance and re-grounding him. so we both have been Yin & Yang for each other. so all the healing, monkey bite etc work had finally come to a positive physical state and I finally started to appreciate my inner and outer beauty-that is when I was no longer sure how I felt about Dan. I created this sense of wanting to be free, I now know that this was my dillussion state, but with any bird that has been caged or had caged themselves for 26 yrs of their life this was a fairly normal process I guess. My root chakra opened, which meant I started to feel sexual, I never did anything I wasn't meant too, but it was nice for me to feel that other men walking along the street found me attractive. So this is the 1st major situation Dan & I went through, we got through it and it was great, we started understanding the disattachment etc.
Last year xmas I did a 2 week intensive Auyervdeic course, I was so so emotional. Crying during class, exhausted physically and mentally. Getting early nights because I had class the next morning whilst Dan was out socialisign and having fun. The next thing I knew Dan told me he never loved me and he was falling in love with a girl that was staying on the same beach as us. I explained to him how intense this massage course was and how 2 weeks of my emotional state wasn't a reflection of our 9 yr relationship, I was happy to let go of him, but Dan came back to me and realised that he wanted to be with me.
So now in reply to this thread, yes I am very very confused, I do alot of reiki, kundalini yoga and energy work so something is deffinetly going on, I am still not sure what the exact root is. what I do know is that whilst I have been deconditioning my childhood life, which has been earning money to go to uni, having a sense of worthness in a physicall life, working hard in my job to buy our flat which Dan & I live in etc I still have some of this conditioned state in me. But just to add to this conditioing of finance only 2 months ago I got in touch with the mother that gave bith to me. so alot has been going on. You see Dan and I have had 2 completly different lives, my taurmants in my life have been family led, which meant I had to become indepedent at a very early age, so maybe this was something that was set in my path by the universe. Dan on the other hand has come from a very loving family, his family have supported him all the way whether this has been through drugs or financially. me on the other hand has had to create my base on my own, through my strength and determination, so though my flat is a materialistic possession I feel that it is mine! I have never had anything that belonged to me. Even now I still can't go to my fathers house for xmas or birthdays because of my step mother ( as she refuses to talk to me and won't let me in. so my flat is the only place that I can put my head down at night, or is my space when I need it.
for the last couple of weeks something had been bubbling up inside me. everything I am about to say is all on a physical level, I believe the perfect state for us is to a balance between physical realm and the spirtual. as we are physically here but our energy connects with the cosmos etc. So,now I am 28 and have been physically and emotionally supporting Dan with his djing carrer. it has been hard for him, I am proud of him in relaising what his dreams have been from a very early stage, he just about pays off the rent, has no savings but gives his dream 150% in dedication. As of yet nothing has really come of it. I asked Dan last week that when is he to draw a line to his dream if it isn't to happen? because I would like to have children in the future and would like to see that he could provude for a family if I fell pregnant. I know this financial thing is my conditioning and I agree that money doesn't buy you happiness but we still need to eat, pay bills and live, and I am unsure to when Dans djing is going to become successful. you see I can only work on my conditoning and work on living in the here and now ( it takes time) so one of the issues is the future plans with Dan and his carrer and being able to provide. I know I should accept him for what he is, and this is really difficult for me as I click with him so much, on a level of fun, spirtuality and everyday banter. so now I am torn between my conditioning and my connection with Dan. Or am I not in love with him, or what is love? as I should be able to accept him and things for the way they are? or have we just got into a routine with each other because this is our comfort zone and have been together for 9 years?
I also feel lonley, Dan works very hard and we spend no time together. Dan always talks about his djing, but doesn't pay much attention to what I am doing, i.e my mum, my camping trip, etc so I feel there is something missing in this relationship, but don't know whether this is my creation? or can I override my conditining so quickly to be able to stay with Dan, without him felling my conditioned pressure of small financiall stability and his djing success, if we do stay together may these feelings come up again in 3-6 months? or shoudl I stay with him and be greatful that I have someone that loves me so much, cares for me? or if we break up worry that I will not find anyone as suited and it maybe the worst decision of my life? or maybe we have done all we can for each other with support and progression and now it time to split apart? or why am I asking all these questions if everything in terms of connecting with each other is so good? what is the actual probelm here? what am I looking for in a relationship that I don't have in ours?
I really could do with some advice, I have given you my whole story so you maybe able to undertsand what my foundations have been like, and why i react or do things in certain way. My emotions have been up and down, I have cried but I also feel dormant about the whole thing. i don;t know what is going on but I do know I need some loving help.
love & peace
I look forward to your knowledge
vasuxxx
