Oh Hell . . . where do I begin . . . let's just say I have travelled a billion light years forward to find my self now asking you guys for guidence again, now though I'm dealing something that is new, totally new.
So I would like to summon you guys to this place here with me to speak, try and help me unknot this for me and Vasu,
Please, beings of purity, light and wisdom, share with me and all here your thoughts, please.
To start this is a letter I wrote to Vasu to totally and formally end the relationship, I stupidly went to hand it to her personally:
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Morning Poppy . . .
I think you had better sit some where 'alone' to read this, this is not going to be easy for you but I can’t let you find this out in any other way as I simply love you so much.
I have woken up today thinking so clearly that I can see the life ahead of me, in fact I see that everything is amazing. That what is particularly amazing is that I can't actually see what is a round the next corner at all. I see that is exactly what I love about life, the fear of the unknown simply does not exist in me.
Now that we have split up I have lost you, I could well be moving far away and be in a place where I don't know anyone, don't speak the language, have no family or friends around me, be living in a strange space and be left with nothing around me to comfort me what so ever, I just don’t know where my path is to lead now.
One thing I do truthfully at this point know is that if I did find my self in such a lonely place that I would see that I still have me. My smile, my light and most of all ‘the love for all’ , which as you know is the very essence which makes me, the one you know better than any one else.
I see that I am the birds, trees, flowers, animals, wind, rain, lakes, rivers, oceans, stars and most of all that I am the universe and that the universe is me . . . that I am part of the universe which is made up of an in-comprehend-able power that causes constant change, that it will never stop doing what it's doing to us now . . . that the only way to be Ok with it's power is to surrender to it, to simply trust it.
There is 'no' escape.
This is the place I am at now, in total trust of the universe, in a state of love for every thing and every one . . . in a place where feel I am at one with all.
Lets now look at loneliness and your sex life . . .
If you look at when you where really young, as you said to me you used to keep a pillow between your legs and like the sensation of moving the pillow up against you from as young as you can remember right?
I see that you from a very, very young age that you had not been looked after and most of all not loved as you should have been, that you, right from that very young age when you where a little, little girl had been cast a side as if you where a mere problem, something that should have not happened and as something that was just not wanted at all.
You where cast aside in total coldness, rejected by your own mother. Rejected from the very loving force that brought you in to this life at the mere age of 3 months. My God poppy, I can’t even begin to understand how that must feel. bless you Poppy.
Lets look at your sex drive . . . it has recently got so very strong, it has become such a profound force that you have decided to let go of the very soul that has offered you all that he possibly can in the name of love and instead choose a path to take and go find what it is that you feel I couldn’t give you.
You have now chosen to seek what is that me, Scraggy could not provide but instead go and attempt to find it in some one else, to find some one that will satisfy this burning desire in you, this along with other desires being able to make great love.
When ever we attempted to make love we never got anywhere near it, the loneliness you so deeply suffer from you would bring to bed with us and it would not only make the act of loving some one else for you impossible, close the very senses that need to be switched on for you to feel satisfied but also close all my abilities to love you in return.
This sex drive you have on every occasion forced up-on me when trying to make love . . . this sex drive of yours I see you have very closely connected to the rejection from your own mother from near birth, sex is something that you from as young as you can remember with a pillow up against your body been the most comforting thing you could find while in a state of rejection from everyone that was supposed to take care of you and love you.
You from a very young age have connected sex with this very, very lonely place.
Finally I feel I should fearlessly reveal what I now see to be the truth to you.
You having sex with anyone in an attempt to make love will never, ever satisfy what it is you now seek until , you master loneliness.
I see you have a hell of a path in front of you and quite likely yet more, possible many more very, very difficult love relationships.
I wish you all the strength possible, pure light and for you in particular poppy . . .
as it always has been . . .
is . . .
and always will be . . .
eternal . . .
true . . .
love.
Scraggy
x
x
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Ok, in talking Vasu stupidly confessed her profound love for me, what an idiot I am to have returned, problem is it's all about gut feeling not head work and knowing that life is all about decisions and the art is to make as few as you need to and let thing mull over for as long as you possible before you are forced in to a situation where you all of a sudden have to then make a desicion right?
Well in that phone call to Vasu I saw, no love for me from her, no sex drive and to top it off a want of sex with other so I thought, 'The truth' is staring at you, so made that call and called it off. Since then I have been having outer body experiences caused by the sheer joy I felt and entered in to the high est state of Love for everyone and all that I have ever, ever experienced.
This morning I was rolling about on my living room floor laughing my head off with tears of happiness streaming from my eyes, an amazing moment. With my eyes shut in meditation I even saw my own third eye or eye of Wisdom as I once thought it was that I haven't seen for years appear and stare straight at me, it was so clear that this time I could even see eye lashes!!!!
The eye of wisdom always appears to be hovering about 1 meter in front of me when ever I reach this state with eyes closed but realized that it could be literally Millions and millions of miles away yet the size of 50 galaxies across for it to appear so near!!!!
Crazy Hey !!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!!!!!!!!!!!!
So where am I at now then ?? . . .
Well in handing the letter to Vasu she went and stupidly confessed after reading it with tear streaming from her eyes that she still
loved me so very, very dearly.
Now I saw a reason and strenght that would enable us to get back together, I hand't wanted this or yearned for it what so ever but her love for me has opened so many more possibilities that I now just don't know what to decide.
I am back in the same flat with her and it's so tricky.
Ok . . .
Vasu feels the letter I wrote to her above, she sees that she needs to conquer her lonelyness but feels that when she is around me that she pulls me down, personally if I was grounded I'd have maintained the outlook that I had achieved but Vasu has this grounding she provides me, I am now more masculine than ever and her female energy makes me see things as they are, how ever uncomfortable they may be I like to battle them out, this is the way I am so love the effect Vasu has on me which in truth is very healing.
Vasu is still not sure about how to deal with loneliness, weather she wants to me move out or not as she feels she needs space or what??
I feel that I also have this healing effect on her, that this discomfort thats driving her insane when she is around me is her covering ground.
I feel that her wanting to actually be alone is to replace one attachment with another, then when she is lonely sooner or later with her animal sex drive then replace the loneliness with a relationship, then another, then more loneliness and so on.
I don't want to move out if possible but am out that door like a bat out of hell if need be !!! ha ha !
Vasu on the other hand I see a constant repetition in to finally let go of this loneliness to be able to one day love me or another.
What do you suggest guys ?
PLEASE HELP VASU !!!!!!
SHE IS IN A REALLY BAD WAY.
I summon you all for your thoughts and wisdom.
Please help Vasu.
Love to you all . . . again!
Dan
